Remembering Kelly

A year ago today my family suffered a huge loss, my much loved sister in law Kelly lost her life after battling with a severe case of Post-Partum Depression (PPD). My brother lost his wife, best friend and partner. My niece, who was just shy of 3 months old, lost her mother and the opportunity to experience all a mother’s love has to offer.
It has been a tough year for all of us affected by this tragedy. We have all grieved in our own way and in our own time. We have different ways of coping and we all still feel the void that has been left in our hearts. The one thing that we all feel strongly about is spreading the message of Kelly’s story and making sure other families are aware of the dangers and serious nature of PPD.
This past year I personally have had many friends and even a few family members that have been given the gift of becoming a mother, whether if it’s for the first time or an additional blessing to their family. And I feel I would be failing Kelly if I didn’t do all I could to make sure that all of these wonderful mothers are doing well and are taking good care of themselves not only physically, but mentally and emotionally as well.
I am not a mother myself but after Kelly’s passing I moved in with my brother to help care for my infant niece. I know how tiring it can be and how helpless it can sometimes feel with a little one. Add to that recovering from giving birth and hormones that affect a mother and I can see how easy it may be to feel alone and have trouble believing you can do it or even get through the day.
I urge all new mothers to take time for you, to talk to your support system if you need to vent, and if you are suffering from PPD to please seek professional help. The stigma of PPD needs to be erased, it doesn’t make you a bad mother, and it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you if you need help. It’s important for you and your family to take the best care of yourself that you can.
I hope today as we remember and celebrate Kelly’s life that we can all spread this message on to those women in our lives we love. I know Kelly would not want another woman and another family to go through the loss we have endured.

Tough days ahead

I went to purchase Mother's Day cards today and lost it. I started bawling in the middle of Rite Aid. The pain in my heart was excruciating and yet it pales in comparison to what my brother or sil's mom must be feeling. I remember this time last year buying her a mom to be card and spending the day before with her in SD. It was such a time of excitement and for the life of me I don't know how we got here.

What you say...

I never know what to say to people when they ask how things here are going, or how my bro is doing. I usually give some generic response like ohh we're taking it day by day, we're hanging in there, etc. The truth is I think everyday is a struggle still. Yesterday marked two months and it still feels like a bad dream at times. We know the reality and believe me we face it everyday but it still is hard to wrap my head around. And I know if it's hard for us to understand, it must be really hard for people who weren't around her to get.

What I mean by that is we saw my sil in the depths of this terrible illness, we saw the start of PPD set in slowly at first, until in a matter of two weeks she reached such a level of loss of reality, despair, and emotional hurt that in her poor suffering mind this was her only way out. This is not to say we sat idly by and did nothing because we were in this battle right beside her trying to ease the pain the best we knew how. What I am saying is we witnessed how damaging this illness can be, how it changed a bright, sweet, wonderful person who was beginning her journey on becoming a wonderful mother into a shell, someone who knew something was wrong and wanted to get better but didn't see a way how.

How do you convey that to people, is there an easy way to explain it? I think it definitely makes people uncomfortable to talk about or think about. This is an illness that affects women each and everyday and yet it's pretty taboo. It's not openly discussed, it's not really given the attention it deserves and it should be. The fact of the matter is this can happen to any female after giving birth and that scares people. But it shouldn't. PPD is treatable and it is one of those things that the more you educate yourself, the better prepared you are if this affects you or someone you care about. There are few things in life I feel truly passionate about but the fact that this has happened to my family and that it has the capability to affect other women in my life I care about or even myself, has me wanting to make sure I do all I can to help bring this to the forefront despite saying something that may make people uncomfortable.

Baby Love

Some days it's hard to focus on the good or the blessings that we have left. But that's what I'm trying to do today. Baby Em is seriously such a joy to be with and she brings such a sense of love and peace to all that are around her. Yes, she can be fussy at time but she really is such a sweet, happy baby. To see her face light up when someone walks in a room or the way she plays with your face when close to her is the ultimate feeling. She is the most precious gift my sister in law could have ever given us. She is so fun to watch as she grows and discovers new things. She never fails to bring a smile to my face. In my times of stress or sadness she heals my soul.

not so good morning

I have had to deal with the baby all by myself for just about 24 hours and I'm pretty damn exhausted and frustrated now. She has been up for an hour and a half. I'm a person that can function on little sleep but this is bordering on ridiculous for me. Sometimes I feel I am in so over my head. I never really wanted children strictly for the fact that I can be slightly selfish and impatient and to deal with kids especially babies you need to be the exact opposite. I don't regret doing this at all my brother and niece need me. All the same I feel like I want to curl up and cry. And yet I feel guilty because whatever I feel my s-i-l felt a thousand times worse.

Bedtime musings

I have found that some days are more draining then others. I'm not sure if it's a lack of sleep, the pressure of taking care of a baby (and being pretty clueless about it), or just the emotional toll of facing the reality of the situation each day. Today was a relatively good day, Baby Em was a good girl with her power naps, allowed me to bathe her without a fuss (my first time doing it alone), and went to bed on time without a fight. We had a bunch of guest and were treated to a yummy meal. So why is it that now at the end of the night I'm drained. I'm tired and yet my mind won't turn off. My brother and I talked about how nice it is to have people around and how it's good to have a fun night but there's also a guilt associated with that. I know my sister-in-law would want us to enjoy the gift of each day but it's hard to be jovial amidst the sense of loss. To know that it takes a tragedy to bring people together. I wish my s-i-l could be here physically to see how much love and support surrounds us. I wish she could be here to experience the good days the baby has or the stupid comedy my bro has watched 4 times now. It seems so unfair that she can't and it makes me sad. I feel sad for Baby Em who will never know her mom and sad for my brother who lost his love and sad to know that neither of them will ever be the same. If you're out there and you're reading this please make sure to enjoy the time you have with those you love. And if you're out there with PPD please know there are people that love you and want to see you through it.

Why I'm doing this.

I decided to start this blog for two reasons.

1- My therapist said journaling would be beneficial. I figure I'm pretty open and honest about what's going on with me that blogging is the easiest and quickest way to get it out there. It's helpful to have an outlet and allow people to read what's the latest in how I'm doing and how little Miss Em is, then to have to repeat it day after day.

2- I'm hoping that this will help someone else. It breaks my heart to know there are women struggling eveyday with Postpartum Depression. To know the turmoil and heartache it causes them and their families. To know how misunderstood and alone they feel and how desperatly those that love and support them just want to make it go away. If you or someone you love has PPD please know you're not alone and this isn't your fault. Please feel free to ask any questions you may have about the struggles our family has faced due to this awful illness.