Baby Love

Some days it's hard to focus on the good or the blessings that we have left. But that's what I'm trying to do today. Baby Em is seriously such a joy to be with and she brings such a sense of love and peace to all that are around her. Yes, she can be fussy at time but she really is such a sweet, happy baby. To see her face light up when someone walks in a room or the way she plays with your face when close to her is the ultimate feeling. She is the most precious gift my sister in law could have ever given us. She is so fun to watch as she grows and discovers new things. She never fails to bring a smile to my face. In my times of stress or sadness she heals my soul.

not so good morning

I have had to deal with the baby all by myself for just about 24 hours and I'm pretty damn exhausted and frustrated now. She has been up for an hour and a half. I'm a person that can function on little sleep but this is bordering on ridiculous for me. Sometimes I feel I am in so over my head. I never really wanted children strictly for the fact that I can be slightly selfish and impatient and to deal with kids especially babies you need to be the exact opposite. I don't regret doing this at all my brother and niece need me. All the same I feel like I want to curl up and cry. And yet I feel guilty because whatever I feel my s-i-l felt a thousand times worse.

Bedtime musings

I have found that some days are more draining then others. I'm not sure if it's a lack of sleep, the pressure of taking care of a baby (and being pretty clueless about it), or just the emotional toll of facing the reality of the situation each day. Today was a relatively good day, Baby Em was a good girl with her power naps, allowed me to bathe her without a fuss (my first time doing it alone), and went to bed on time without a fight. We had a bunch of guest and were treated to a yummy meal. So why is it that now at the end of the night I'm drained. I'm tired and yet my mind won't turn off. My brother and I talked about how nice it is to have people around and how it's good to have a fun night but there's also a guilt associated with that. I know my sister-in-law would want us to enjoy the gift of each day but it's hard to be jovial amidst the sense of loss. To know that it takes a tragedy to bring people together. I wish my s-i-l could be here physically to see how much love and support surrounds us. I wish she could be here to experience the good days the baby has or the stupid comedy my bro has watched 4 times now. It seems so unfair that she can't and it makes me sad. I feel sad for Baby Em who will never know her mom and sad for my brother who lost his love and sad to know that neither of them will ever be the same. If you're out there and you're reading this please make sure to enjoy the time you have with those you love. And if you're out there with PPD please know there are people that love you and want to see you through it.

Why I'm doing this.

I decided to start this blog for two reasons.

1- My therapist said journaling would be beneficial. I figure I'm pretty open and honest about what's going on with me that blogging is the easiest and quickest way to get it out there. It's helpful to have an outlet and allow people to read what's the latest in how I'm doing and how little Miss Em is, then to have to repeat it day after day.

2- I'm hoping that this will help someone else. It breaks my heart to know there are women struggling eveyday with Postpartum Depression. To know the turmoil and heartache it causes them and their families. To know how misunderstood and alone they feel and how desperatly those that love and support them just want to make it go away. If you or someone you love has PPD please know you're not alone and this isn't your fault. Please feel free to ask any questions you may have about the struggles our family has faced due to this awful illness.