Bedtime musings

I have found that some days are more draining then others. I'm not sure if it's a lack of sleep, the pressure of taking care of a baby (and being pretty clueless about it), or just the emotional toll of facing the reality of the situation each day. Today was a relatively good day, Baby Em was a good girl with her power naps, allowed me to bathe her without a fuss (my first time doing it alone), and went to bed on time without a fight. We had a bunch of guest and were treated to a yummy meal. So why is it that now at the end of the night I'm drained. I'm tired and yet my mind won't turn off. My brother and I talked about how nice it is to have people around and how it's good to have a fun night but there's also a guilt associated with that. I know my sister-in-law would want us to enjoy the gift of each day but it's hard to be jovial amidst the sense of loss. To know that it takes a tragedy to bring people together. I wish my s-i-l could be here physically to see how much love and support surrounds us. I wish she could be here to experience the good days the baby has or the stupid comedy my bro has watched 4 times now. It seems so unfair that she can't and it makes me sad. I feel sad for Baby Em who will never know her mom and sad for my brother who lost his love and sad to know that neither of them will ever be the same. If you're out there and you're reading this please make sure to enjoy the time you have with those you love. And if you're out there with PPD please know there are people that love you and want to see you through it.